THE JENNIFER PROJECT — Written Narrative

Prior to an audio-recorded phone discussion, Jennifer was emailed the following questions.  The hope in sending written questions was two-fold: 1) It would allow for more internal reflection on Jennifer's part and thus bring forward more introspective thought, that might be otherwise lost in a phone interview 2) Pertinent themes that emerged in her written replies would help create more detailed questions to be explored during the phone interview. 

One could argue that a written narrative allows one to embellish or possibly not be as authentic as in an impromptu phone or in-person interview.   It is our feeling that regardless of the presence of an enhancement, the story and any embellishments woven into the response, would still speak to the essence of the individual, which is of course the goal of qualitative research.

When did you first realize and become aware of your sexual orientation? What were your thoughts? What did you do? How did you realize it? Did you tell anyone?

"When I first came out to myself, it was a realization that was joyous and spectacular.  I was a junior in high school, I had had weird feelings that could have not been explained any other way than with my newfound sexuality.  When I came out for the second time, to myself, it was a much harder thing to realize; not only was my sexuality was of a queer nature, but my gender identity was as well.  I remember being younger and feeling like a boy and loving the girl across the street, since then, I've had many feelings for women, men, intersexed and transgender people.  My motto is if I encompass everything, I can date anyone because I do not wish people to restrict their love for me because I am different or because whom I choose to love is different."

Talk about a really special holiday. What did you do? What did you feel? Who was there? When you think about it now what did you learn or take with you throughout life?

"Actually, believe it or not, I distinctly remember a Valentine's Day, which my friends and I can 'Single's Awareness Day; because it seems no matter who we had just dated, we never quite got to have a National Love Day with them.  I finally got the opportunity, with my first girlfriend, and although she was the worst of all of my ex's, she was still the first, and that meant something.  I was excited about sharing the day with her, but due to my closeted-at-the-time status, I had to go some place public with her so my family didn't know I was dating her.  And boy did she hate being really affectionate in public; she was one of those REALLY closeted people who didn't want to be seen as gay because she was scared it would get back to her mom.  Yeah, one of those.  So we went to the mall, and there was this incredible rush of happiness to finally be in love on a holiday all about love, even if I was blinded by it at the time to not realize she didn't love me.  It was on of the greatest feelings I've ever had."

Tell me about your first love and what you learned from that experience. Describe him\her, the experience, what you learned about yourself, the pain and the joy.

"I had a first love that I never really even got to date.  See the thing was she was a teacher, twice my age, and had a daughter that was half my age.  I was so confused because I was infatuated with her until I came out to myself, telling myself there is no way I can like her that much and still be straight.  She was the second person I came out to because she identified as a lesbian (although she was one of those women obsessed with love who really just take what they can get).  What was really funny was I was absolutely, 100% in love with her, so much I talked to myself at night, imagining it was her, having a conversation of love and life.  She would be in my dreams, holding my hand, marrying me, etc.  She was thin, on the shorter side, punctual, sexy with her blue eyes and curly brown hair, and she had this recognizable walk that could be seen from miles around.  A walk that was of an activist, a womyn, a lesbian, surely from someone confident.  I was completely clouded by love, and it was the most amazing love I've experienced yet, but she definitely ended up ruining most of that for me.  One of my friends and I found out how fake and conceited she was, and then she totally stabbed me in the back, along with my friend, and I blame both of them for making me reconsider living, more than once."

Tell me about a time when you felt powerless and what you learned about yourself and others from the experience

"I have felt powerless inside and out when I was in high school and I was involved with the GSA (Gay-Straight Alliance) there, and everywhere I went people were using the word 'gay' for 'stupid' and not realizing that they aren't one and the same, and that it hurts people.  It didn't really bother me personally as much as bothered other people who I knew were gay, and although no one should say it ever, I could not stand up for my hurt friends.  I could only really make progressional change where my friends had been; I actually had my friend Heather stop saying 'gay' for 'stupid' and I feel greatly accomplished and complimented by that fact.  It just seemed that in high school the kids didn't care, they were racist, sexist, ageist, and why not be homophobic?  I especially learned that anything goes in high school when my math teacher decided to join in when someone said, "Man you're so gay," to a fellow classmate by adding, "Yeah, you’re a huge faggot."  It made me think of my career (I am going to be a teacher) and wonder how people like this man can actually add to a homophobic society by expressing his ill-breed feelings towards a particular group in society, and then teach it, and perhaps worse, to over 150 students a year.  It seemed that society at the time was winning, that no one had a chance, and I was left in the closet (on of the reasons I came out later in life was high school) or defend myself of the monsters that may lurk there.  I learned from this experience of such blunt discrimination that my teaching will be for good, and good only, that I will return to that high school someday and take over GSA and have the teachers go through a training where they learn not to be such horribly influential people in the ways of homophobia. "

As GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender) people, we learn a lot about the process of coming out, or coming to terms with our own sexual orientation. If you could teach a class on this how might it look like? What would you teach? What would you say? What would you want your students to learn?

" I would just let everyone know that they should not fear or let others fear who they may be, because we are all completely different, and fit into many more categories than society allows us to have.  Just realize that gay, bisexual, and trans people all come to the same conclusion as heterosexuals, they identify who they are and whom they love at some specific period of time in their lives.  And when they (meaning heterosexuals) start to live, actually live and date, and express their love unconditionally in public, everyone is happy.  So everyone should be happy about openly queer/trans people trying to be who they are and love whom they love outside of the closet.  My students would learn that there is no black and white in the game of life and love, you think there are only two genders, guess again, there may be more like 5, or maybe even more because only one person can make a whole new gender, and there are tons of continuums that allow us to l! love and live with many other people, yet as a society, we decide to categorize them for ourselves and not let them choose their own category.  And if we do eventually allow them to go to their own category, it's usually one that is condemned and/or not seen as the greatest thing on earth, and yet all the other people thrown into that category come together and fight for inequality, in sexuality, in identity, in general.  I would only want my students to accept and love others as they would themselves. " 

You are in college which a difficult feat for many. Why do you feel you made it as far as where you are now? What about yourself or those around you helped you, inspired you, etc.?

"I think that the people I have chosen to surround myself with are quite the reason why I have survived thus far in the game of life.  My friends are either GLBT or GLBT friendly, and my family supports me almost 100% of the time.  I am advancing so far in my own personal way, as well as through academics and friendships.  I have actually just had a great and wonderful person, "Suzanne", who I know has been through it all, and she is still finding herself at the age of 22, teach me something.  She made me feel like I had been successful with who I discovered I was, which had just been determined by the following story I had written a little while back, inspired by "Suzanne" and the novel Gender Queer.

It was a long time ago, I was maybe five or six.  I was a showoff [ironically and hilariously] "'cause the chicks dig it."  I didn't know it then, but I was in love with the girl across the street.  She was much older than me, but her curves and features made her attractive to me nonetheless, even with her boyfriend being an obvious hurtle to her heart.  (Of course the age thing didn't matter at all.)  She was also my first.  The first girl that made me feel anything, inside of me or out.  She made me feel gendered and sexy.  I used to take off my shirt and strut around the driveway with my flat chest sticking out proud.  I remembered I wore my best shorts.  I felt powerful, suave, and sexy.  It felt right.  Can you imagine a sexy five year old?

When I was in 4th grade, I remember on my way going to the bathroom, the girls on the playground always making fun of me, asking me if I was really a girl.  Didn't I look like a girl?  I was an early bloomer, and my once flat chest was now slightly curvaceous.  Didn't my early-growing breasts make me more of a woman than any of the other girls there?  Wasn't I beating them in the pre-adolescent game of finding my gender?  "I am really a girl," I yelled back.  I stepped into the bathroom labeled, "Women."  It felt right.

I met someone online.  He was identifying as a transman, changing his name from "Julie" to "Steve."  I have learned so much about trans people when I came to college.  I was in Transformers last year, and I learned so much from "Mia", "Elektra," "Suzanne", and at the end, myself.

I read this book, Gender Queer, which we were all supposed to read and then discuss.  I finally finished it this last week.  It was awesome, and it has taught me to not think inside the sexual binary.  I have come to the realization that I am not just female, but male also, and that I am also everything in between.  It brings a whole new meaning to my a-/bi-sexuality.  I am also come to the realization that I comfortable in my own body, even if once in a while I dream of having a penis, because I do not wish for society to have to label me either male nor female based on solely my looks, social roles, 'gendered' articles of clothing, etc. within this country that we live in.  Think about it, women who want to become men often start dressing like them and acting like them to fit in with them, and I do not want to fit anywhere.  I am good where I am, in my own, little, multi-gendered world.  I will not change names or pronouns, I will simply be who I am with my name that I was given when I received this world and it received me, and I am happy with all that life has given me in this respect.  The only thing I will change about myself is my self-perception.

I also don't want people to judge those who I love; male, female, both, either...to me there is no such thing as trans..if you feel somewhat or very much that you're one gender more than the other, you're still yourself, no matter what.  And odds are I will love you no matter what, even if you're just a friend, because I realize that it is hard to be whoever you are in this world if this world does not except you.

I just did a drag show this past Saturday.  My mom was there to watch me, and she even helped me bind and do my make-up.  I dresses in male clothes, strutted my stuff to the beat of "Baby Got Back," got to put my male side out there, and fell in love again with my flat chest.  It all felt right."

Talk about a bad memory\event\etc. What happened? What did you learn? What do you take with you from this event\memory today?

"I remember breaking up with my first girlfriend was the most horrible pain that I felt because, despite the insanity I didn't know of before dating her, she was special.  And she also made me choose between her and my best friend, "Julie", and there was no way I could decide.  I determined that I would never see either of them again if that was the way it was gonna be, and it hit me that she was not my life.  It was sad, and disheartening to know this, but she was just the first, and although I think I will never get over her and her hurtful remarks, I am pretty sure I can move on.  I take from it that I should remember who my friends are, no matter who I am dating, and that to live as if something better may come along, so that I do not attach myself to something temporary, but by no means do that not mean I still fall hard for people when being in love. :) "

Talk about something you did in the past few weeks that was particularly difficult. What was it? Why was it hard? What did you learn from it?

"I told a girl I liked her.  And in my new boost of confidence because I found myself for the second time, and felt like I should be honest and own up to telling everyone I liked her when she was passed out at a party, and I was drunk, ranting things.  I got really wasted that night, I think because I haven't taken a sip of alcohol in over 6 months, that's probably the reason I got so easily influenced by the alcohol.  I realized that we (the girl that I liked, and admitted to when I was drunk) probably have a lot less in common than I thought, but I was pretty certain that as soon as I sent it, happiness would come, and it has.  I really just want to still flirt with her, have her not be weird about me, and realize that I do mean nearly as much as it seems I do, which could sound sad, but it shouldn't be.  I saw her yesterday, and it was awesome.  We have hugged and talked, and not been weird.  She is the only one who has given me the privilege of not being weird afterwards, and I love her for it.  Thank you, "Melissa!"